While watching the Major League Baseball all-star game selection show (?!?) on TV Sunday afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that I no longer have much interest in watching Zack Greinke pitch to Albert Pujols, even if home field in the World Series is riding on the outcome.
This is what I get for not being a kid anymore.
However, I would pay Yankee Stadium box seat prices to watch Charlie Sheen plunk Richard Pryor in the rib cage with an errant fastball.
If the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had a baseball all-star ballot, this is what mine might look like:
Left field: Anthony Perkins as Jim Piersall in ÒFear Strikes OutÓ (1957): Perkins threw like your mother (unless your mother is Geena Davis) but his portrayal of Piersall, a real-life ballplayer who began his career as a center fielder but played all three outfield positions while battling mental demons, was profoundly haunting.
Center field: Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in ÒThe Bad News BearsÓ (1976): Haley covered more ground than Garry Maddox, the old PhilliesÕ center fielder. Plus, he was only 12.
Right field: Barry Pepper as Roger Maris in Ò61*Ó (2001): Not only did Pepper look like the spittinÕ image of Maris, he swung the bat like him, too. One of his movie home runs was actually the real deal.
Third base: Corbin Bernsen as Roger Dorn in ÒMajor LeagueÓ (1989): Bernsen played third base the way Arnold Becker, his character in ÒL.A. Law,Ó might have played it — awkwardly. But he looked better in an Indians uniform than Jim Thome.
Shortstop: John Cusack as Buck Weaver in ÒEight Men OutÓ (1988): Weaver played both third base and shortstop for the 1919 Black Sox but his natural position was shortstop. Plus, for some reason, there arenÕt a lot of movie shortstops.
Second base: Frank Sinatra as Dennis Ryan in ÒTake Me Out to the Ball GameÓ (1949): OlÕ Blue EyesÕ double-play partner in this movie was Gene Kelly. And you thought Ryne Sandberg could dance around second base.
First base: Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig in ÒPride of the YankeesÓ (1942): They had to flop the negative so Cooper appeared to bat and throw left-handed, like the real Iron Horse. This one still makes me cry.
Catcher: Kevin Costner as Crash Davis in ÒBull DurhamÓ (1988): If Susan Sarandon was my leading lady, I would believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days, too.
Pitcher: Kevin Costner as Billy Chapel in ÒFor Love of the GameÓ (1989): I wanted so badly to hand the ball to Ray Milland as Professor Vernon K. Simpson/King Kelly in 1949Õs ÒIt Happens Every Spring.Ó But the temptation of having an all-Costner battery simply was too great to resist.
Designated hitter: Robert Redford as Roy Hobbs in ÒThe NaturalÓ (1984): Redford knocked down stadiums with his prodigious home runs. You gotta find a place in the lineup for a guy like that.
Manager: Paul Douglas as Guffy McGovern in ÒAngels in the OutfieldÓ (1951): TheyÕve redone this movie about 78 times but the original is still the best, owing to DouglasÕ jaunty portrayal of the potty-mouthed skipper of the lowly Pirates.
Pitching coach: Robert Wuhl as Larry Hockett in ÒBull DurhamÓ (1988): ÒOK, well, uh ... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where sheÕs registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. OK, letÕs get two! Go get Õem.Ó
Third-base coach: Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan in ÒA League of Their OwnÓ (1992): ThereÕs no crying in baseball, even when Rosie OÕDonnell strikes out with the bases loaded.
First-base coach: Walter Matthau as Morris Buttermaker in ÒThe Bad News BearsÓÓ (1976): Proponent of the Òcool Carl Paranski shift.Ó
Umpire: Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin in ÒThe Naked GunÓ (1988): ÒItÕs the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New YearÕs Day.Ó
Baseball sage with a voice like thunder: James Earl Jones as Terence ÒTerryÓ Mann in ÒField of Dreams.Ó People will come, Ray. Especially if James Earl Jones is making an allegorical speech about baseball.
Bullpen:
¥ Tatum OÕNeal as Amanda Whurlitzer in ÒBad News BearsÓ (1976).
¥ Ronald Reagan as Grover Cleveland Alexander in ÒThe Winning TeamÓ (1952).
¥ Dan Dailey as Dizzy Dean in ÒThe Pride of St. LouisÓ (1952).
¥ Dennis Quaid as Jim Morris in ÒThe RookieÓ (1992).
¥ Michael Moriarty as Henry ÒAuthorÓ Wiggen in ÒBang the Drum SlowlyÓ (1973).
¥ Billy Dee Williams as Bingo Long in ÒThe Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars and Motor KingsÓ (1976).
¥ Tim Robbins as Ebby Calvin ÒNukeÓ LaLoosh in ÒBull DurhamÓ (1976).
¥ Charlie Sheen as Rick ÒWild ThingÓ Vaughn in ÒMajor LeagueÓ (1989).
¥ James Stewart as Monty Stratton in ÒThe Stratton StoryÓ (1949).
Bench:
¥ Richard Pryor as Charlie Snow, Carlos Nevada and Chief Takahoma in ÒThe Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars and Motor KingsÓ (1976)
¥ Robert De Niro as Bruce Pearson in ÒBang the Drum SlowlyÓ (1973).
¥ Chris Barnes as Tanner Boyle in ÒBad News BearsÓ (1976).
¥ Geena Davis as Dottie Hinson in ÒA League of Their OwnÓ (1992).
¥ Wesley Snipes as either Bobby Rayburn in ÒThe FanÓ (1996) or Willie Mays Hayes in ÒMajor LeagueÓ (1989).
¥ Madonna as Mae Mordabito in ÒA League of Their OwnÓ (1992).
Placed on
irrevocable waivers:
¥ William Bendix as Babe Ruth in ÒThe Babe Ruth StoryÓ (1948).
Ron Kantowski can be reached at 259-4088 or at ron@lasvegassun.com. Read RonÕs blog, ÒNow and Then,Ó at lasvegassun.com/nowandthen.
Copyright 2009 Las Vegas Sun
